There is so much I want to tell you. Sometimes I am better typing it out so I feel anonymous with my unfiltered thoughts and feelings. It is in the shadows that we often feel safest being our true selves. I am actually about to get a big dose of anonymity, so much that I will think I am Harry Potter walking about in his Cloak of Invisibility… but more on that in a bit, you’ll see. On social media we make habit to be more polite as to tie everything up nicely with a pretty bow. This is not a place for that. If you want to know me, like really know me, this is a good start.
I have told people who experience me in real life on a day to day basis that I am moving. As is common courtesy to carry the conversation they inquire where I am going. Confidently I cut right to it and tell them, “New York City”. Bemused is the most common reaction- yeah, you probably did not see that coming. This kind of pleases me. There is a strange thrill of power to provide surprise.
Now if you have moved there or lived there then maybe this has happened to you. It may be so in your rear view that it is a clouded memory. Or perhaps you are far less small town than I am, or people do this sort of thing where you are from, or you could be that much more bold for people to expect this of you. If you do not check any of those boxes, then really you should try it out at least once… on April Fool’s? To gauge the reactions is really something.
After a while it does become exhausting to watch the shock come and go and then to fade into the same discussions as to why the big change and do you have a job already? No, Clarice, I do not have a job lined up or any rational reason to be moving. I just want to be the loser millennial that society has already typecast me as so thanks for asking. Seriously though, I just really want to do it. I want to see what it is like. I inherited a mantra from a friend and it is currently my computer wallpaper. It could be credited as one of the main driving forces of this whole thing.
You know all those things you’ve always wanted to do? You should go do them.
And that is the extent of it. I want to do it, so I am. It sounds fly by the seat of your pants and a wee irresponsible, but I assure you, I am not as flighty as it sounds. I plot and I plan. I research but I also dream. I’m a Pisces, if that sort of thing matters to you. I just do not want to be held back or get too comfortable as to miss out, so I won’t. It is as simple and as hard as that.
I have worked at the same place for the last five years. I have lived in the same house for the last eight. I have two pets that age in at 11 and 12 years old. And I have been in a everythingship (Shout out to the YOU fans out there) for 13 years. I can be stable and steady, but I really just like to sample all the things the world has to offer. Pick one color? No. Pick one flavor? No. I want ten. I want it all. Hi, my name is Veruca Salt. Just kidding, I am nobody. Or as my cohabiteur (It’s French, I made it up) tells me, “All I want is everything.” He’s not wrong.
I would much rather go and fall on my face and hate it but know the outcome than regretting and wondering. I will not lay on my deathbed lamenting the things I should have done. For me that means jumping. Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith.
I graduated high school (woohoo, big accomplishment- I can’t math) then I went to college and did well. I got into a pretty healthy, long-term relationship where we can work our stuff out together when we have those inevitable ups and down. I got a steady job, did grad school, and then so did he. Somewhere in there the house was bought. I gardened, I pressure washed the concrete when the oak smut besmirched the whiteness of the driveway, and I dealt with the HOA. H-O-hAte as I non-affectionately call it.
I checked all the boxes of a would be successful adult. Some of it was cool. And some of it bored me to tears. I am not domestic and I do not want to be. I have a brown thumb and frankly I am too lazy and care too little about what the neighborhood thinks of my topiary bushes. Edward Scissorhands, I am not. I want to have nice things, do not get me wrong. I just know what I am good at and only want to put my energies there. Tomorrow we close on the house and my cozy bed and sanctuary of a room will no longer be mine. It is not to say I won’t miss it because I definitely will. I am closing one of the longer chapters in my life. But to fit all the things you wish you could do into a lifetime requires some moving along. I tried suburban adulting and now I want to go live in a bustling city.
I want to be amazed when I walk out my front door. I do not care if it is good amazement or just plain shock. I just want my senses to be filled with the unexpected. I want the intimate knowledge of what it is like to really be there, not just to visit. I want my pulse to race when I realize that I really did this. I want to walk around and catch subways and not have to look at a map. I want to be impressed with my resilience when it is really hard and I want to marvel when I make it. And I want to bitch when things are pulling me down. Things are going to be so much harder there from what I hear. There are so many more people and the city does not care about me. But I am not really in it for anyone else but myself so they can do them and I will just do me.
If you want to voyeur from time to time into the mundane inner workings of a nobody that happens to live in the biggest city in the United States then here I am, you found me. Well… I really should say that this feature film is coming soon. I haven’t moved yet, but that is when you heat up the popcorn and we really get started. I am feeling too exposed now so I need to go cover up my vulnerability.
Love,
nobody
Be along for the ride to see how long it takes me to start asking: What have I done?
New York Nobody 