First things first, if you are moving you need a place to live. That’s a no brainer. What is not a no brainer is how to actually get a place in NYC. Securing a home in the city is as competitive as finding the golden ticket in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. You don’t just point and go, “Oh, that is for rent, I am going to live there.” Having rented in two states, one coastal, one southern, I assumed it would follow a standard process. Those experiences did not adequately prepare me for this. So if you cannot just pop down to the local apartment complex of your choice and see their menu of options then how does one get an apartment in New York City?
Years ago when the idea was a mere novelty I recall sitting in bed in my still unpainted house that we had bought two years prior. I was curious how much rent would be so I grabbed my phone and took a two thumb journey on Google to find out. Brooklyn sounded like it would not be as desirable or as expensive as Manhattan. False, by the way, or at least now they are starting to rival each other in many ways.
That is when I discovered that Brooklyn was just as much on the radar as the island and what I was trying to figure out was enormously overwhelming. There was so much noise and misdirection I did not know where to start. It’s like when you go to get a shirt out of the closet but there is a spider so you just shut the door really fast. I did not want to go back in there.
I put the idea on hold because I could not wrap my mind around the how of doing it. We also owned a house. Not only was there no urgency to learning the information, there was not any practicality to the idea. But dreams are beautiful and ideas are fun.
As the years passed I would occasionally search articles about how to move to NYC hoping it would suddenly be easy. There are a ton of articles out there. Some try to scare you out of doing it. Some genuinely try to prepare you. One even joked that to get an apartment you would have to be willing to push people in front of street traffic for a place to come available. Become a murderer, get an apartment. Okay, got it.
Now that I am a merry murderess with the street name Shovey Chase I am all too proud and too pleased to tell you all the down and dirty details of how the deed was done. The apartment getting. Not the assault. Shh! That’s our little secret.
Before the hunt we had to make some decisions like what our actual price range could be and what areas we liked. Cohabiteur happens to be a (non CPA) accountant so he is phenomenal at crunching the numbers and I excel at crunching whatever it is I have been told into what I want to hear.
It turned out that if we shed the mortgage, the HOA payment, pest and lawn services, two car payments, two insurance payments, and the general crap you need here and there to maintain a home in the suburbs you realize it majorly adds up. Some way, somehow on what we already make we could afford close to $2400 without a dent in our lifestyle. I went ahead and bumped that range up to $2800 after I did my version of number crunching. ::ting::
We have pretty good jobs for our area but nothing like New York pays, even with the ominous shadow of their hefty taxes. Fortunately we are clear of student loans and thanks to a little venture in hosting Airbnb our credit cards were also paid down. With this knowledge came empowerment to believe this could actually be done.
So where do we want to live? If I am going to do this then I really want to do it. I want to go all the way. That means Manhattan and nothing else. I set the standard of 110th Street, where Central Park ends, and below. Each neighborhood has its own flow and personality so while at first anywhere and everywhere was on the table we finally whittled it to a top five.
Upper West Side, Greenwich Village, Lower East Side, Gramercy Park, and parts of Midtown.
When it came to making a dream checklist UWS was the clear winner. Central Park is a huge draw. The buildings are still predominantly prewar and completely charming and unlike the Upper East Side it felt like a regular nobody like me would feel a home walking Miss Dog and living my life.
Back in June I realized that the real listings were posted to StreetEasy.com (perks of the train cars being spammed in advertisements) and I spent every day up until the trip looking morning and night at the new postings. I wanted to have a realistic expectation of what an apartment was going to look like in my price range. But occasionally I would have a rotten day and I would set the search parameters for ‘no limit” and I would send my favorites to my Cohabiteur with quips such as, “This will do”, “If I absolutely must” and “This hurts my eyes” because those 20k a month places were real shit holes. If I had to look at one more claw foot soaker tub that would actually fit my whole body and the bathwater still covered my lady bits then I was positively going to retch. The tragedy of it all.
Stowing away the Posh Buffy persona, the day finally came to fly to NYC and actually apartment hunt. I thought it would feel like Christmas morning full of glorious glowing yellow light and the sound of trumpets rippling through the air. Wait, or is that heaven? All it felt like was 2 A.M. only because it was 2 A.M. and the economy priced flight was for 6:30 A.M. Listen, I am nobody. Nobodies are not made of riches so when it comes to bucket list fulfillment and relocation you cut corners where you can. Isn’t that really the secret to having it all?
I was nervous but not for the reasons that you think. Not because I was scared we would not find a place, or no one would let us shop (Pretty Woman shoutout), or the sheer amount of money you pay in rent. Make it rain. The week before I sprained my back. Like full medical diagnosis this actually happened so I had to be dragged to the toilet one morning and I am still young and it was sad and pathetic.
I know how much you hoof it in the city so how was I going to manage apartment stairs, subway stairs, keeping the pace with New Yorkers, the mileage and not waddling my way into tripping and face planting on uneven pavement? Any amount of sitting exacerbates the pain and I had to make it through the flight. Nothing in life can ever be simple. Before this happened I was considering getting in shape but that sure did not happen- I mean, probably (definitely) was not going to happen anyway. I was destined to become sidewalk roadkill.
So back to the itinerary. Behind the scenes of how the magic happens: Wake up, leave the studio beach condo I am temporarily renting as the balmy, ever summery sea air bids me adieu, drive an hour to the airport, cattle call through airport security, hurry up to wait, do the hokey pokey, flight, tram, train to Penn Station, buy a subway pass, and walk to meet Realtor. It is now almost 10 AM. Standard stuff.
I do not know if it is the adrenaline of the rat race or the hunched, uninhibited plane nap that loosened my back. As we make our way to Friedman’s for breakfast I am feeling strong like the girl standing in front of the Wall Street Bull even with my backpack full of belongings sloshing along behind me. I cannot wait for food and to find out from Realtor what the day holds for us.
This is where it gets fun. This is what you came for. The juicy bits down to every fact, figure, dollar amount, and painstaking detail. Nothing omitted other than names and addresses. I like to maintain a little mystery, you know. Insert hair flip emoji here.
Let’s see what is behind apartment door number one:
Name: Art Deco Hole
Location: Lower West 70’s
Price: $2295
Possibility: $2100
Description: One bed, one bath, second floor walk up, partitioned living room, bedroom with small shelves for a closet, two ample closets next to the small full-sized appliance kitchen, small but cute bathroom.
Pros: Cool Art Deco hole detail above the entry to the living room. Hence the name. Passed Trader Joe’s walking from the subway to the apartment. Price is comfortably in our range, storage space is above my expectations.
Cons: Not a layout that readily comes to mind, no toilet seat. Realtor said she would buy me a toilet seat lol.
Rating: On the list for maybe living here
I was told by my Friends to send pictures so they could live vicariously through the journey. Also, because they probably want a say in where they end up crashing for free in the future and want to make sure it was at least slightly Instaworthy. Kidding. Probably.
On to door number two.
Name: Bag Drop-off
Location: Mid West 80’s *maybe-honestly I am not sure where I am right now
Price: $3,000
Possibility: Have a job?
Description: Gorgeous stairs lead up to the brownstone from the sidewalk. Reminds me a little of Carrie’s stairs from Sex and the City. This is a one bedroom with two closets and an outside patio. This one is not actually for us and as it turns out is in the middle of being repainted. Fun fact, between tenants they are suppose to repaint. Realtor has an exclusive on the listing and thought we could drop off our backpacks. Unfortunately that did not work out because it looked like it was in the middle of being worked on even though the people were not in the steeple. As quickly as we arrived it was time to go but not before I helped myself to looking around and adding it to the list.
Rating: Pass. For 3k you can get a whole lot more apartment than this particular unit if you look at enough places. Also, not quite in my budget until I know I have a job. This was not meant to be.
What is behind door number three?
Name: Stairs (aka Fireplace)
Location: Mid West 80’s
Price: $2700
Possibility: $2600
Description: Ground level apartment less than a block from Central Park and quite close to the subway on a quiet, picturesque street. Charming brick fireplace quickly catches your attention just before you realize there are a set of tight corkscrew stairs spiraling somewhere. Large tiled bedroom downstairs with a half bathroom. But wait, there’s more. There is a full bathroom upstairs and a secret door to Narnia downstairs. Where does this door lead? To the washer and dryer. Hello watching Netflix while doing laundry.
Pros: Laundry in building, very close to Central Park, cute street. This is a lease break and is’t everything in this life on sale? I actually remember seeing this listing on StreetEasy and recognized it immediately.
Cons: Price is a bit higher than our first apartment should be.
Rating: My inner Veruca Salt wants it nooowwwww!
Building number four:
Name: Vintage Waxy Fumes (Aka Where the guy did not want to let us in)
Location: Mid West 80’s
Price: $2600? I looked on the list before we took off from breakfast but there were too many to commit to memory. I remember the highs and the lows and not a lot in between.
Description: The first thing you notice is the overpowering pungency of the unnaturally brown, lacquered floor in the living room. The galley style kitchen boasts fabulous white subway tile with slate grout. The closet space is ample and has a vintage feel thanks to the addition of black and white tiling. There is a brick fireplace that may or may not work. The bathroom mirrors the same tile work as the kitchen.
Pros: One of the closet ceiling heights is like Jack and the Bean Stalk level huge. I hope the cockroaches are not afraid of heights. The unit has such a cute, kitschy vibe and the curb appeal of the neighborhood is everything one could dream of if you were location scouting for a RomCom.
Cons: The floors are aromatic enough to give you a migraine. Unsure if this is because they were just redone or are always this fragrant. The window sill is uneven from trying to fit the radiator underneath the window. The kitchen is kind of a tight space and the appliances are not particularly new or nice and definitely not full sized.
Rating: Part of me really liked it. But Realtor keeps me in line with the reminder about the refrigerator’s underwhelming size as if she could tell I thought all of the apartments were shelter animals and I wanted to try to take them all home. I agree and we give it the ax.
The next place is further uptown and we end up waiting outside for about fifteen minutes for the other realtor. It gives me time to soak in what we have seen so far and to people watch. The crisp air is sobering since I have been up for close to twelve hours at this point.
Name: Closets
Location: South Harlem (Approx. 114th and Frederick Douglass Blvd.)
Price: $2695
Possibility: $2600
Description: Modern building with an elevator to the third floor of residential apartments. The first floor is actually a business so I guess we are technically on the fourth floor? Or are we? Hmm. The mystery abounds, but not long. I walk in to a long hallway of clean lines and glossy wood flooring. I have to reset a moment because I am not sure what I was expecting. There are a lot of places to go in this apartment. I was not expecting that. To the right is a giant closet and if you step in it turns to the right and there is MORE closet! Out into the hall… What is this? Another closet. The bedroom is up to the left. It is dark as it faces a brick wall with just a sliver of light with a long, but modest sized closet. The bathroom is across the hall and is actually spacious. Man, this place is nice. The living room is large and has another closet. We are now at four, count them, closets. The kitchen is also very nice. There are seven windows between the kitchen and living room and the window sills are very deep.
Pros: It is almost 700 square feet and the largest of all of the listings we are going to see. It is spacious, manicured, and new. The possibilities for decorating are endless and so is the storage. And the fucking closets! No wonder Realtor said it was worth going out of our perimeter to check this listing out.
Cons: It is technically in South Harlem which kind of has a stigma although the neighborhood is clearly ripe with gentrification. I am not sure I am comfortable with the immediacy of being the gentrifier. I also cringe at the loss of identity the area will undergo with all of the new Brooklyn-looking restaurants multiplying like humping rabbits. As much as I love the next new thing I do not approve wholly of the stripping away of the history and vibrant culture. As I stood on the sidewalk earlier I noticed this is a busy street and much more city feeling but not in a amusing Village kind of way. I am having a hard time picturing walking Miss Dog everyday and being out here. But the fucking closets.
Rating: This is definitely in the running regardless of my earlier soapbox. It is a great place.
We end up waiting again on another realtor. I am too jazzed and so glad to wait outside since we are actually on Central Park West. CPW or bust!!! Realtor asked what THE dream is… and this was a big ticket item.
Name: The One of CPW
Location: CPW at the tip,top north end of the park.
Price: Probably a lot but no more than $2800
Description: When they talk about NYC shoebox apartments they were talking about this one; a fifth floor walk up and no elevator in sight. The living room was small, the kitchen was small, the bedroom was small. The other realtor, not our beloved Realtor, bragged about the closet space. Did she only see it only after starring in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids? The bathroom had some quirky green tile but there was only a person sized radius to turn in between the toilet, sink, and shower. If you poked your head just so you could kind of see the park to the left from the living room. Whoever did the real estate photography was worth every penny because the pictures were misleading of the actual size. Kudos for being so good at your job.
Pros: CPW. I liked the tile in the bathroom.
Cons: I thought I could endure not being a lazy oaf to muster taking the stairs long enough to get an obscenely photographable derriere. I know when to tap out and this is not a good fit for me. Also, I am not paying that much to sleep in a coffin sized bedroom every night just so I can pen Central Park West in calligraphy on all of my bills and letters. There would not even be room for my stationary to move in.
Rating: As I pathetically climbed the stairs and with my slowing at every passing floor, I cursed myself out and agreed with my inner demons that I did not care what was on the other end of the rainbow I am saying no. It was a resounding no.
And just like that we were late. Late for a very important date. We grabbed a car service app that apparently you can win a free ride if you get all ten timed questions correct. Realtor paid for the ride.
Name: Impatient broker waiting on us for nine minutes
Location: Somewhere on the west side.
Price: I do not even know where I actually am. How would I know that?
Description: A long elevator ride to the seventh floor and then disappointment. How quickly the impatient guy turns apologetic for wasting our time. The floors reeked of having been freshly redone. We can only poke our head inside but cannot tell much even with a description of how the bedroom does not have four walls now because of an illegal wall addition by the tenant or something. I want to follow along but I do not so now I am nodding and drifting off to my mind palace.
Pros: Quick showing
Cons: Nothing special
Rating: Not bothering to coming back tomorrow when the floors are cured.
The next two were adjacent buildings with the same broker, a younger guy with thick hair and a toothy smile.
Name: Everlasting Gobstopper
Location: Lower west 100’s
Price: On the paper somewhere
Description: Walkup railroad style apartment that is one room after another. The kitchen was spacious but not particularly interesting. The next room is a dining room? Or is it an office? There is a closet. We are informed that this square squeeze was actually staged as a bedroom by one of the previous tenants. Interesting. I am no sure the motivation behind that. The next room is either the living room or a bedroom and has a closet and the bathroom. The room after that… wait… is this one the bedroom or living room? It is a narrow place but it goes on and on.
Pros: There is some storage potential with the closets and the unique layout.
Cons: I am already getting tired of listening to Chip talk about how he owns the buildings and how once you are in the business long enough you think to look for ways to add usable space in hollow parts of walls and whatever.
Rating: I mean, I guess I could but I probably won’t.
Name: The other one Chip owns
Location: Neighboring building to the everlasting gobstopper
Description: Another walk up but with a typical apartment layout. The kitchen seems outdated but somehow roomy. There is a tiny room off the kitchen that would make a terrible bedroom but a perfect office. It is not for the claustrophobes. The living room has great light and kind of vast but would also have to serve as the dining room unless I use the office, which seems awkward. The bedroom is sufficient and the bathroom has a great extra shelf built into empty space Chip was mentioning earlier. Realtor casually offers to do any of the upcoming showings since Chip belabors how busy he is and how he is going out of town soon. He shuts her down saying that it is one thing to show a place and quite another to get the papers signed. I am now very over Chip and my good behavior evaporated. Being the prospective money provider I take liberties with my opinions. Verbally I share with the group how the toilet has such a wonderful view of the street below an that I would rule from my throne to my subjects below each day. I mimic a pretentiously royal wave.
Pros: It has a roof. I would be dry. I would be warm.
Cons: Giving the Chips of the world money, and thus a sense of power. We get it, you think you are cute and you have daddy’s money. Neat.
Rating: In the words of the twangy Shania Twain, that don’t impress me much. After Chip is out of earshot Realtor quickly names him Chip since we could not possibly deign to remember his real name. We all dislike him and after a good shit talk we won’t think of these places again.
Name: Nope
Location: West 90’s maybe
Description: We struggle to get the keys from the lockbox and find one for the building door and one for the unit. As soon as Realtor opens the door I say nope and sit down on the front stoop. I am now not only over the Chip’s of the world but my energy is dwindling. I can feel myself getting grumpy even though I am trying to suppress it but I am breaking down. The stairs are crooked leading me to question the foundation of the building and I am not curious enough to find out what is up them.
Rating: No big deal, we will not go in this one. Realtor takes me for hot chocolate. I need sustenance.
After a long day and some hustle we have come to the final showing of the day. The final of the “best of the best listings” that Realtor procured for us. She is optimistic because the pictures she saw were “awesome” but she does not want us to get our hopes up just in case there is another crafty, talented photographer working in Real Estate.
Name: That cute one on 88th
Location: W. 88th
Description: The front of the building has a garden box around a tree. In it sits a mix of three gourds and pumpkins. The adorable meter is off the chart for this one, simple detail. This is also a walkup but any thoughts of trudging upwards are taken over by the striking opulence of the original wood molding of the wide, grand staircase. I have to stop and snap a picture, something I have been meaning to do all day, but after a few showings have not been able to keep up. The day has been a swirling maelstrom of all that is acting like a New Yorker. The stairs are so ornate that I had to pause to take it in but also ensure I get a memento for later.
The living room did not disappoint. There is a joke that the only thing New Yorkers are head over heels for is exposed brick. Even if it is on the outside of a building and you are standing on a patio and that is what the structure is made of, that is how much they love it. The entire living room is brick. It really is fetching. Outside the window there is a oversized version of a Christmas tree that I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to look out and see it dusted with snow.
Pros: The all brick wall living room. A couple left behind items that I could have such as a tv mount, a book case, and a sturdy bamboo triple-tiered rack that hovers over the toilet.
Cons: The bedroom seems a little small and there is only one closet that is on the smaller side. I am not sure even with chests, trunks and chairs that turn into storage when you lift the cushion that there would be enough to have two contrasting seasons worth of clothes for two people. Plus Miss Dog’s sweater collection is getting out of hand. I have six sitting in my Etsy cart right now.
Rating: A gorgeous apartment that will not work out for me especially after seeing other places with better space options. Also, dang, the building heat works way too well.
Honorable Mention: The other realtor that met us here had one of the loveliest souls. We enjoyed being in his presence. People in “the big city” are just as warm and act just human as anywhere else.
That concludes our day. We are confident that we have seen enough and cancel the showings for the next two days. Day two was other Manhattan showings and day three we were going to throw in a Brooklyn day for good measure. We are in a stalemate with two of the options. We decide to head “home” to talk it out and sleep on it. But I can’t sleep. A decision is not in sight. So which one is it? What do we decide?
New York Nobody 